


maybe there's hunger in my blood (screaming out loud for what i want)

by HannahBay



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 10:57:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15929021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannahBay/pseuds/HannahBay
Summary: you don’t want to keep living this life, numb and empty and feeling like you're choking on air every minute of every day. but kara’s gone, and it’s maggie’s fault, and you’ve lost them both, and you can't see a way past that for you.------------maggie launches the positron cannon at the daxamite ship.





	maybe there's hunger in my blood (screaming out loud for what i want)

**alex (now)**  
  
“why did she push the button?”  
  
dr. wyatt has asked you this question at nearly every session you’ve had in the last 45 days. you know this game. the first several times, you didn’t know the answer. now you do.  
  
“she was saving the world.”  
  
and just like nearly every other time since you started giving that answer, dr. wyatt fixes you with that long look, where you know she’s considering you, how much to tell you.   
  
“that’s not why, alex.”  
  
by now, this script is almost set in stone. you know it like the back of your hand.  
  
“then tell me why.”  
  
you are bored.  
  
“alex -“ dr. wyatt is leaning forward. she’s breaking the script, “- nothing will change if you keep looking at things the same way. nothing will change if you don’t change. do you not want things to change?”  
  
of course you want change. you don’t want to keep living this life, numb and empty and feeling like you're choking on air every minute of every day. but kara’s gone, and it’s maggie’s fault, and you’ve lost them both, and you can't see a way past that for you.   
  
you realize dr. wyatt’s still talking.  
  
“... now i think some part of you knows that’s not why she did it. this is important. think again. don’t just give me the answer you’ve been giving me.  
  
why did maggie push the button?”  
  


* * *

  
**maggie (then)**  
  
alex excels under pressure. you know this. you’ve been in the field with her many times and she thinks lightning fast, making decisions on her feet. she does not get frazzled.  
  
which is why alex, with her hand over the button to fire the positron cannon, _that_ look of utter panic frozen on her face, chills you to the bone.  
  
you’re supposed to be watching for daxamites but you can’t look away from her.   
  
her choice is simple: follow orders, save the world, and kill her sister – or be the reason the world ends. because she was not strong enough to sacrifice to save it.  
  
 _(you know that is bullshit, of course – alex is the strongest person you know, has sacrificed herself over and over for the people she loves, until she was barely a person anymore – but that is how she will perceive this choice)_  
  
and as the seconds stretch on, you realize alex actually cannot make this decision. of course nobody should have to decide whether to kill their sister to save everyone else – but alex isn’t moving.   
  
it takes only a few seconds for you to run through all the possible scenarios in your mind. the same ones you know alex is running through in her mind, but you have one more.   
  
and you know what you must do.  
  
 _(even if it will destroy you)_  
  


* * *

  
**alex (now)**  
  
it ends up being vasquez that they send to you most after you're placed on leave. j’onn and winn are needed at the deo, and james out on the streets and at catco, all helping national city rebuild. and no part of you is mad at vasquez, you can look her in the face. she wasn’t there when – when any of it happened.  
  
 _(plus, she can be funny sometimes. which you do not want or deserve but sometimes appreciate nonetheless)_  
  
so it is vasquez, every day, swinging by around noon. letting herself in with the key she’d practically stolen from you and cleaning up the empty liquor bottles on the coffee table. she always brings food, gets you to eat something before she drives you to therapy.   
  
you would probably be embarrassed about the state of your apartment – and of yourself – if you weren’t nearly catatonic all the time.   
  
some days you are grateful that she’s there, a reminder that the outside world still exists. it went on even if you are still stuck in the past. and some days you hate her, all of them, for seemingly having moved on. it makes you burn.   
  
so it is vasquez every day, and then at night the rest of them rotate.   
  
j’onn, who has seen you bad but never this bad, before, tries to comfort you (even though you don’t deserve it).  
  
james, intimately familiar with grief and respectful of everyone's process to get through it, will usually just sit in silence and drink with you (swapping in water more frequently than you would like).   
  
and winn, who tries to distract you with video games and jokes with you and generally tries to treat you like a human being instead of something fragile. which you appreciate.   
  
and yet none of them are the people you need.   
  
they are both gone. and you are alone.  
  


* * *

  
**alex (then)**  
  
you feel like you are having an out-of-body experience.   
  
the president is telling you that you must fire on the daxamite ship. the one that mon-el says kara is still on. and it’s like your brain just. freezes. stutter-steps to a halt.   
  
because you cannot begin to compute this decision.  
  
your hand is hovering and you understand the consequences of both actions, very clearly.  
  
if you fire the cannon, rhea will be dead. the daxamites will retreat. and, with little more damage, earth will be saved from the brink of total catastrophe.   
  
but your sister will die.  
  
not just supergirl, but your sister, kara danvers, the sweetest, most innocent person you have ever met, who you cannot imagine your life without – she will die.  
  
but if you don’t, then humanity could die at rhea's hands. everyone’s kara could die.   
  
and both of those options are 100% unacceptable.   
  
there has to be a third option, if you just think hard enough, and come up with another plan that will prevent the end of the world, then you don't have to fire. you are alex danvers, you can do this.   
  
you need a third option.   
  
you think, very briefly, of the tank you had been in just a few weeks ago, with no air and trying to manage the panic, even though you knew they were coming – and you thought that was pressure, that was panic, that has _nothing_ on this moment, having this many lives (kara’s life) in your hands. this is what being unable to breathe really feels like.  
  
maggie has come back towards you, you realize, coming to your side – you think to try to comfort you, somehow, because she knows she calms you. she’s lacing the fingers of her left hand into your right, the one above the button, and for half a second you relax, because she’s there, at least you have her –   
  
until she says, with tears in her eyes, “i’m so sorry, alex, i love you” and brings her right hand to push the button.  
  


* * *

  
**alex (now)**  
  
tonight is james’s night to babysit you. he rolls in around 6:30 with thai food, busies himself in your kitchen plating it and getting silverware.   
  
_(you haven't had pizza or potstickers in over 2 months. you tried, once, in her memory - the smell had made you cry and retch for over an hour)_  
  
you aren’t hungry. but you usually like james’s nights the best, he’s the most tolerable of all of them, so you eat a few bites to make him happy.   
  
you’ve been sitting for a while, his plate clean, when he breaks the silence.  
  
“i saw maggie a few days ago.”  
  
something about the way he says this makes it sound like it's not the first time.   
  
you’re not sure what you feel, but you’re feeling a lot of it.   
  
“i don’t want to talk about her.”  
  
“i know you don’t, alex, but you really – i think you need to talk to her. have you even seen her since.. since what happened?”  
  
of course you haven’t.   
  
part of you is still in love with maggie sawyer. always will be. most days it’s even the larger part. even though you hate yourself for it.   
  
but part of you also wants to strangle her. wants her to feel some fraction of the pain that you are feeling, every day, even though you know it won’t bring kara back.  
  
“i never want to see maggie sawyer again.  
  
and i don’t want to talk about it anymore.”  
  
and james, for now, leaves it at that.  
  


* * *

  
**maggie (then)**  
  
for just a moment, it’s like what you’ve done hasn’t processed in alex’s brain. her hand is still in yours, she’s looking at the monitor, but it’s like it doesn’t compute.   
  
and then her hand goes limp.  
  
“maggie, what.. i don’t.. what did you do?”  
  
she is looking at you and oh – that is what heartbreak looks like.  
  
she pulls her hand out of yours like it’s on fire. you don’t fight it.   
  
an explosion behind you reminds you there are still daxamites in the building. they didn’t all vanish the instant the cannon was fired.   
  
“alex, we have to go –“, reaching for her. and she flinches.   
  
you pull your hand back. okay. deep breath. you need someone else here. pick up the radio. “winn, can you get down to the control room?”  
  
“umm, i mean, i’m a little busy up here, what’s going on?”  
  
how do you even answer that question.  
  
“just – get down here, please.”  
  


* * *

  
**alex (now)**  
  
it surprises you that, more than kara, dr. wyatt wants to talk about maggie during your sessions.   
  
you didn't get it, at first. you had lost kara. she was gone. dead. that was what you couldn't get past.  
  
but slowly, you realize that what you are most stuck on is maggie's betrayal.   
  
you don't understand it. at all.  
  
maggie, who lectured kara about the right and wrong way to do things, about people's rights, who spent her times as a cop protecting individual people... you would have expected that maggie to fight harder for kara. not be the type to default to sacrificing one person to save many.  
  
it makes you wonder if you knew her at all.  
  
dr. wyatt drags this out of you over several sessions, but saying it aloud doesn't get you any closer to answers. you still don't understand.  
  
that's the kicker, you realize: kara died and you don't even understand why.  
  
your girlfriend's actions are a complete mystery to you.  
  
and you think there has to be a reason, especially since dr. wyatt keeps pushing the issue, but you are too full of anger and self-hatred to successfully step into maggie's shoes and try to figure it out.  
  
so instead, you are just. stuck.  
  


* * *

  
**maggie (then)**  
  
by the time winn arrives twenty-four seconds later, you think alex is in shock. you haven't moved, haven't tried to touch her again. she’s looking at her right hand like it’s foreign, like it’s not hers.   
  
“maggie, what’s going on? what do you need me for?”  
  
you don’t really have time to explain this to him. if you even could. “she needs to go back up to the command center. i have to go back out there, can you take her?”  
  
he’s confused. “take her? - of course, maggie, but what – why does she –“  
  
alex chooses this moment to speak. “winn, she.. kara was on the ship and she.. maggie killed kara.”  
  
it’s like it hasn’t fully processed for her until she says it. she looks from her hand back to you, and you see her face shift from unreadable to pure, unadulterated anguish.   
  
“you killed kara.”  
  
you can’t do this, stay here and look at her. you know what you did and why you did it. but she’ll never forgive you.  
  
“i’m so sorry,” you say, one last time. and you turn and walk away.  
  
even then, some part of you knows. you will never see her again.  
  


* * *

  
**alex (now)**  
  
james swears out of nowhere. "oh shit, alex, i swear i didn't know she was going to be here. i swear."  
  
as you turn toward him to ask what he means, you see her.  
  
of course. of course the first time you see maggie after she killed your sister is in the cracker aisle at the grocery store.  
  
you _hate_ that your first reaction, for a split second, is happiness.  
  
you hate even more that maggie sees you and lets out an "alex" almost involuntarily, sounding surprised and happy to see you.  
  
she has no right to be happy to see you. you hate her.  
  
 _(you note, with equal parts sadness and glee, that she looks about as awful as you imagine you do)_  
  
two months of almost-daily therapy may not have taken away any of your pain, but it has surprisingly given you the ability to just turn around and walk away.  
  
"james. we're leaving."  
  
when you hear maggie's footsteps behind you, calling out "wait, alex, please - alex," you just walk faster.  
  
once you're out of the store (you'd left the cart, you didn't care about it anyway), you round on james.   
  
"did you really not know she was going to be here? you've been trying to get me to talk to her and then i just happen to be with you when i run into her?"  
  
the fact that james is reacting so calmly seems to confirm your suspicions, even if his words don't.  
  
"alex, i swear i didn't know she was here. i may have thought you should talk to her but i wouldn't have forced you like that, and certainly not in a grocery store for godssake."  
  
the rage filling you doesn't deflate, but now has nowhere to go.   
  
"let's go sparring."   
  
james hesitates. "alex, i think we should finish up here first. that was one of your assigments for this week, and we were nearly done."  
  
your eyes flash as you open your mouth to reply and he rushes to add, "but if you still want to spar afterwards, we can go. let's just finish up here first."  
  
you don't feel your fists clenching so hard your nails draw blood.   
  


* * *

  
**alex (now)**  
  
you tell james, after dinner and after the groceries are put away, that you're too tired to spar and you're going to bed. your tone leaves no mistaking the fact that you want him to leave.   
  
he glances at the clock. it's almost 8pm. you have barely spoken two words to him since the grocery store and it has become painfully apparent that he's not getting anything else out of you tonight.   
  
so, with a final goodbye, he slips out the door.   
  
you lock the door behind him and go immediately into your bedroom. you are still fidgety and angry and who-knows-what-else after running into maggie earlier and for once, you're going to do something about it.   
  
you're going drinking.  
  
 _(and if it so happens to be an extra "fuck you" to a certain ex-girlfriend, who had been trying to tell you that you had a drinking problem and get help - well, that's just a bonus)_  
  
you pull on something that vaguely resembles club clothes. it's still too easy for you, at will, to slip into college-party-alex-danvers. her life was easier. you can wear her skin for tonight and pretend your life is that simple.   
  
you don't go to the alien bar, or any of the local human bars that you and maggie frequented. you find a seedy little dive bar, a little farther away from your apartment, but where you are almost guaranteed to not run into anyone you know.   
  
you start with tequila.  
  


* * *

  
**maggie (now)**  
  
part of you is surprised it takes james two months to seek you out. even with all the rebuilding, and you leaving national city in the immediate aftermath of the invasion to assist the president in dc and give a full report, you're surprised it took him this long to come around looking for answers.  
  
of all alex's friends, james was the one you connected with the most. in a way you can't really describe - you two just seemed to click from the start and get each other. and you know, even with what you did, that he is a loyal enough person to try to give you the benefit of the doubt.   
  
but now he's here outside your apartment.  
  
you just look at him for a moment, as he does the same. he looks more tired than you've ever seen him, with an almost painful resignation in his face. like he wants to be here about as much as you want him to be here.   
  
_(you are angry at the part of you that's happy to see him, a once-friendly face - because every one of your friends in national city was also alex's friend, and they all chose her, and you are weak and desperate)_  
  
"james."  
  
he nods. "maggie."  
  
your day at work was long and horrible, and it's 10pm and you're already two beers in, but he's here and you figure you might as well get this over with.  
  
you pull the door open wider. "come on in."

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my drafts for many many months and i finally decided to kick it out and see what happened. i know where i want to end up, and i knew the beginning, but the middle is very murky. this seemed as good a place to end "the beginning" as i could think of. i may not end up continuing this but at least part of it's out there.
> 
> story title => fractures, by illenium
> 
> chapter title => aching to live, by the spiritual machines


End file.
